Investigation continues into bird death toll of serial bird-killing Vikings stadium

If you like “When did you stop beating your wife?” stories, you’ll love how things are playing out in Minnesota, where the debate is now raging over exactly how many birds the Vikings stadium is killing each year:

  • The original report found 60 dead birds in a two-month period last summer and fall, which would amount to 360 dead birds a year. But! That was during peak migration season, so maybe it’s fewer dead birds than that. But also! That figure does not include “birds removed by maintenance staff, security guards, and scavengers,” or birds that are stunned only to fly away and die later, so maybe it’s more dead birds than that.
  • The Vikings have issued a statement saying that the report isn’t fair, because “it is not possible to make this conclusion based on intermittent monitoring with no direct comparisons for the same time period at other buildings.” Sure, our building kills birds, but maybe other buildings kill even more birds. ARREST THE REAL BIRD-KILLERS!

More dead bird news as it becomes available, hopefully after someone completes a poll of area cats to ask their annual bird consumption.

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4 comments on “Investigation continues into bird death toll of serial bird-killing Vikings stadium

  1. The NFL is great at getting media to focus on something else. Like concussions when dead children is their real problem.

  2. Am I the only one who sees the subtle hand of Mark Davis (or possibly the deflategate equipment staff) working behind the scenes in all this?

  3. This could all be solved by making the proposed fence high enough to hide the stadium. It would solve two problems at once. It would keep out the riffraff and also save many bird lives. They could put “knot holes” in the fence so that people could satisfy their curiosity about the infamous building (which is having panel trouble again). Then this atrocious edifice could truly be called the “Peephole’s Stadium”.

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