Nashville SC envisions army of identically dressed clones going to its new stadium, feel the excitement!

I’m guessing everyone could use something lighthearted about now, so fortunately Nashville S.C. has released a new video of what its new stadium will look like, and it is a nightmarish uncanny valley of shambling Sims set to generic triumphant music:

Some of that goes by awful quick, so let’s stop and take a closer look at some screengrabs:

Normally stadium renderers like to depict fan wearing jerseys of players who will be long-retired by the time the stadium opens, but Nashville S.C. is an expansion team, so here they appear to have outfitted everyone in near-identical team-colored form-fitting long-sleeve t-shirts. Which makes a bit more sense when you realize that while the renderers have selected a carefully multicultural mix of fan-bots (though probably not the 38% of actual Nashville residents who are Black or Latinx), they are all the same age and body type, as if the stadium were being built on one of those Star Trek planets where everyone is young and jacked, plus they’ve even cured baldness.

Next is a super-fast flyby of the stadium interior. Let’s freeze the frame and see what that packed crowd is actually doing:

Okay, that’s not at all disturbing. About the most positive interpretation I can provide is all hail the blue and yellow smoke gods, which honestly isn’t very positive at all, so instead let’s focus on how the video board informing fans that they are watching “SOCCER” is dazzling enough to be visible right through an American flag, and in fact through part of the flagpole as well.

Fans throwing their hands in the air is, of course, renderingese for excitement!!!, so it’s important to show them doing so in every possible situation, whether it’s in an enclosed club where they can’t even see the pitch thanks to fans outside standing in their way:

Or even in an entirely enclosed club where no one can see the match at all:

Though maybe that one fan-bot is actually cheering the American football game that’s displayed on one of the video screens, for the benefit of people who paid to go to a soccer game so they could sit in a simulated airport lounge and watch the Titans on TV.

Or, fans can always take a break from the game and watch a guy strum a single chord on an open-stringed acoustic guitar, the only thing he can manage what with his left hand busy holding up his instrument after he forgot to bring a guitar strap:

The team also released some new still frame renderings, which are … less disturbing? Differently disturbing?

I’m concerned what kind of argument led the identically dressed redheads to be not speaking to each other, but at least there’s a wider variety of dress styles here. Look, at the far left there’s even a woman wearing a tank top and shorts! Did anyone else dress that way for the game?

Okay, there’s … the exact same woman. In the exact same position. Maybe she’s a statue? That would explain why she’s dressed for midsummer when the guy she’s talking to/trying to flee is wearing a heavy jacket, and another guy nearby is wearing a down vest. Lousy Smarch weather!

We know by now why all these knee-slappers end up hidden in the Where’s Waldo? universe of stadium vaportecture: Renderers are generally on a short clock and relying on a limited supply of “entourage” (clip-art fans) to excite their sports team clients whose attention to detail isn’t all that great, so it becomes more about the overall feel of the crowd on a quick flyby than the actual specifics. Which admittedly calls into question why anyone should take any of these renderings seriously when they’re just about Shock & Awe, but presumably team execs are thinking — such that they’re thinking anything — that these images will speak directly to some lizard-brain sense of “oooh, that looks fun!” even if the details go hilariously awry. Maybe next time they can sneak in Batman, and see if anyone will even notice.

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5 comments on “Nashville SC envisions army of identically dressed clones going to its new stadium, feel the excitement!

  1. Architectural firms have the following choices when presenting renderings like this:

    – Make it look like a really bad video game as above
    – Take stock images of people, cut them out, and try to plaster them around in different places but fail horribly to take into account perspective and/or what resizing the images will do and thus everyone in the near distance is pixelated and everyone in the far distance is weirdly blurry
    – Don’t include people such that your venue is a terrifying empty space devoid of life.

    The correct answer is to pay someone to hand draw over the rendering but no one ever wants to spend the money for this.

  2. All I know is this thing has forced NASCAR away from the Fairgrounds racetrack to the “superspeedway” out of town.

  3. I like how they have reimagined the original ethos of whatever they are calling the Astros stadium these days. Instead of having a hill and flag poles in or near the field of play the flag poles are now inside the seating bowl and the flags fit nicely under the roof. That is progress, man.

  4. Pretty sure in the last image of the story that the woman in the dress is the back of Tina Turner walking toward the stadium with her Nashville nephew in the puffy vest.

    Little known fact: Tina is a card carrying member of the Nashville Soccer Supporters Trust.

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