- Something called Greater Greater Washington reported that Washington NFL owner Dan Snyder is negotiating to build three stadiums, one each in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia. Key fake quote: “Each stadium would be built entirely with team money, provided that the local jurisdictions prepare and deliver the land intact and for free, only as long as they donate approximately $700 million to the team prior to delivery.” Absurdity/believability rating: Moderate, though points for the only-slightly-tongue-in-cheek description that FedEx Field “at 17 years old is greatly outdated and inadequate to the team’s needs.”
- The Austin Chronicle wrote that the city of Austin was about to announce a new MLS stadium in the middle of the Colorado River, to be “accessible by rail, boat, the new canoe/kayak facility at the mouth of Waller Creek, helicopter, jet-ski, or zip-line.” Key fake quote: “I’m generally highly skeptical of any city project on this scale, especially when it’s heavily incentivized by public dollars and presents extremely worrisome environmental challenges. But this is about soccer!” Absurdity/believability rating: High, not just for the perfectly deadpan delivery and the fact that announcing you’re getting a new MLS franchise is the new Flappy Bird, but because the Chronicle posted this on March 28, with only the mention of “an embargoed press release, dated April 1” to tip readers off.
And before anyone asks: I don’t participate in this little ritual not just because I prefer to stick with real news, but because there’s no way I can compete with reality.