Architects explain Washington NFL stadium moat as “gentle transition,” are just trolling us now

Want to know why Washington NFL owner Daniel Snyder’s proposed stadium design has a moat around it? Here’s why it has a moat, courtesy of a Washington Business Journal article titled, “Now we know why Dan Snyder’s stadium has a moat“:

According to Bjarke Ingels Group, the water feature would provide separation between the tailgating area and the stadium (as opposed to a fence or wall), while a series of bridges would act as new gates. “Access becomes a gentle transition between the tailgating and game,” reads the description. If you remember the tunnels from RFK Stadium to the parking lots, it’s not too far removed from that … except for the water part. And as was already revealed in one of the renderings (click through our gallery, above), the moat would in fact double as a wave pool in the summer and an ice rink in the winter.

Um, guys? That doesn’t actually explain why the stadium design has a moat, unless maybe it’s “the Bjarke Ingels Group architects have never been to a sporting event, and think that walking across a narrow bridge with 70,000 other fans to get from tailgating to the game would be a ‘gentle transition.'” Also possibly “the Bjarke Ingels Group architects have never been to D.C., and don’t realize that if it ever snows there, people will more likely be cowering in their homes than going out to ice skate on a frozen moat that will probably plunge them to their deaths at any second, because this isn’t Minnesota, people.”

On the other hand, here it is one month later, and we’re still talking about that damned moat, instead of about who on earth would actually build this thing when the team just got a new stadium 19 years ago. It’s all about the misdirection.

New Bucks arena to be covered with rust, what is it with the rust already?

They’re not nearly as batshit as yesterday’s Washington NFL renderings — not to mention they’re for a building that is actually getting built in an actual location — but the Milwaukee Bucks have released renderings of their new $500 million arena being built with $505 million in public subsidies:

b99688823z.1_20160316221937_000_gnketctn.1-0b99688823z.1_20160316221937_000_gnketctq.1-0b99688823z.1_20160316221937_000_gnketctr.1-0That outer shell that supposedly looks like a “wave” (if waves were brown, which I don’t really want to think too hard about) is going to be made up of “zinc panels chemically treated to achieve a gritty, brown-rust patina,” which is a different kind of intentional rust color than the weathered steel used on the Brooklyn Nets arena, but promises to be just as ugly. (Name one attractive rust-brown building you’ve seen. I’ll wait.)

The inner seating bowl is somewhat more promising, though the cheap seats in those tiny upper decks separated by two decks of luxury suites are going to royally suck; and while the large lower deck will be nice for anyone who can afford to sit there, forcing everyone to enter and exit at the back of the section is going to make for some epic foot traffic jams at the end of games.

As usual, though, the real fun part is nitpicking the little details that the architects probably added at 1 am when they didn’t know how to fill out a blank space on their drawings. Like, what’s up with that strange balcony projecting off the front of the building, the better for drunken fans to throw their beers/themselves down onto passersby? And how much did those people pay to stand in those weirdly backlit sections in the upper-deck corners, and why? Who are those two opposing players near midcourt supposed to be guarding? What exactly is Greg Monroe doing in that replay (?) on the video board? Why does anyone think Greg Monroe will still be on the Bucks when the new arena opens in 2018? Play along yourself in comments!

Latest Washington NFL plans feature snow, blimps, people with no idea how to throw a football

We have more renderings of the Washington NFL team‘s insane design for a stadium to be built in a postapocalyptic dreamscape, courtesy of the insane-design website Dezeen, and you know what, I think these are better without commentary:

redskin-stadium-washington-big-usa_dezeen_936_3-new redskin-stadium-washington-big-usa_dezeen_936_5-new redskin-stadium-washington-big-usa_dezeen_1568_5-new redskin-stadium-washington-big-usa_dezeen_936_2-new redskin-stadium-washington-big-usa_dezeen_936_4 redskin-stadium-washington-big-usa_dezeen_936_6If you’re conspiracy-minded, you might focus on the bottom rendering, which appears to show the stadium sited in what’s now a national park just across the District border in Prince George’s County, Maryland — but given that that same image shows the sun apparently setting in the north, probably best not to make too much of it.

Washington NFL team unveils insane stadium with kayak moat, gets on national TV

Washington’s NFL team may not know where it wants to build a stadium or how it would be paid for, but that’s not going to stop them from releasing photos of a model of how it would look, to 60 Minutes for some reason:

ingelsredskinsstadiumbugThat sure looks like something stadium-like all right. Though it doesn’t seem to have any concourse space for buying food inside (just ramps upon ramps, and no escalators or elevators?), and it has a freaking moat around it with people kayaking in it, spanned only by a handful of bridges that are going to be completely overwhelmed by crowds before and after games, and fans will end up being crushed by the crowds and falling into the moat oh god oh god the humanity…

There is zero chance that this stadium will actually be built this way, but the model enables team owner Daniel Snyder to do two things: Get national TV coverage for his campaign to get somebody in the D.C. area to build him a new stadium, and link his team to “starchitect” Bjarke Ingels, which is so much better than being linked to genocide. Meanwhile: vaporkayaks!

DC United release new stadium renderings, hope no one remembers old stadium renderings

If it’s Wednesday, it must be time for vaportecture porn! Today, the latest renderings of the planned D.C. United stadium:

dcunited.imrs.phpOkay, nothing too fancy, and that triple-deck stand on one side is kind of weird (it’s a single-decker on the other side), but it looks like a pretty standard second-division soccer stadium, which is about right for MLS. But say, didn’t they release renderings of this once before?

I’m not actually bothered that much by the design change, but yeah, don’t believe the pretty pictures, people. The stadium isn’t set to open until 2018 and the seating capacity isn’t even decided on yet, so I wouldn’t get too attached to the new renderings, either.

 

San Diego and St. Louis may have just won stadium vaportecture porn

The cities of San Diego and St. Louis released new stadium promo videos yesterday, and … I’m sorry, I already boggled at these once for Vice Sports, you’ll just have to go read my remarks there.

Or if you just want to boggle on your own, the videos are linked below. In fact, let’s make it a game: How many ridiculous things can you spot in the videos before checking my list? No peeking!


Rams stadium to serve “regular fans” by giving them place to drink beer and not watch the game

When you’re locked in a flamewar with the legislators you need to pass your football stadium funding plan, what can you do to get people excited about it again? Release new renderings of what the stadium might look like if it ever gets built!

55e61e893f6ba.imageNow, sure, you or I might look at this and think, “Wow, those upper deck seats are going to be a million miles from the field, sitting atop two (or three?) levels of luxury suites and looking down even on the scoreboard.” But that’s not how HOK designer Eli Hoisington thinks of it:

“There’s a trend where everything is luxury, everything is suites now. And we put the general die-hard St. Louis fan front-and-center, embedded in the experience.”

Hoisington’s example of “front-and-center”: Fans will get a three-story brewpub on the outside of the stadium, where they can buy beers and look out at the Mississippi River. Also a 30-foot-wide observation deck for looking at, again, not the game.

Here’s where I would normally make a joke about a slow, muddy river being more entertaining to watch than the Rams, but you know what? This isn’t about what the Rams have done on the field lately, or what they’ll do in the future, or even whether diehard fans might enjoy watching the team through good times and bad, because that’s what diehard fans do. This is about stadium designers thinking that the best thing can do for “regular fans” is give them a really big place to get drunk while watching the game on TV monitors. The saddest part of which is that in the modern NFL-watching experience, it may actually be true.

Bucks arena to include magic basketball that will transform Milwaukee into world of color

MILWAUKEE —The Milwaukee Bucks released a video Thursday showing what good a new arena could do.

Oh, boy! I hope this involves one of those computerized flyovers that are all the rage! Preferably with the arena leaping into action to save Milwaukee citizens from the Green Goblin!

Okay, so, um, floaty basketball that will apparently reorganize molecular structure at the subatomic level into life-generating matter of equal mass. That’s pretty good, too!

I’m not sure which I like best about this, the disclaimer that the arena won’t actually look like it’s depicted in the video (the magic basketball, presumably, will look exactly like this), or the bit that shows all six of the Bucks’ one championship banner being lowered from the rafters. Promotional videos are just awesome.

This is the saddest of all stadium renderings

As friend of FoS Andrew Ross just remarked, “Is that a rendering or did they just stack some post-it notes on a printout of Google Maps?”

(For those wondering, it’s a “three-dimensional rendering” supplied by Miami-Dade Commissioner Xavier Suarez of plans for a new soccer stadium next the the Miami Marlins stadium. Which may or may not be a bad idea, depending on how much the various subsidies team owner David Beckham would be demanding would come to. But man, does Suarez’s office need a budget for a better graphic designer. Or at least some fresh post-it notes.)

AEG throws in towel, says it doesn’t really want to build L.A. NFL stadium anyway

Remember back when AEG was all ready to pick a fight with St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke over who would get to build an NFL stadium in L.A., accusing Kroenke’s plan of aiding terrorists and being a menace to low-flying planes? You know, way back last week? Well, scrap all that, because now that everyone just laughed at its reports, AEG says it’s giving up on building a stadium entirely:

The sports and entertainment conglomerate is no longer in discussions with the NFL or any teams about the project, company officials said Monday.

“I think it’s fair to say we have turned our attention to proceeding with an alternative development,” AEG Vice Chairman Ted Fikre said.

That “alternative development” would be expanding the L.A. Convention Center and building a new hotel near AEG’s L.A. Live entertainment complex. I’ll let Heywood Sanders comment on whether that’s a good idea or not, but for stadium purposes, AEG has officially given up on its plan after finding nobody with an NFL team willing to give them a share of ownership in exchange for providing the stadium. Which means we now must say goodbye to one of the most cracktastic pieces of vaportecture ever:

Farewell, giant translucent shoulder pads. The world of pretend stadiums won’t be the same without you.